The dark cloud that follows me around.

5 years ago when I got depression I kept it private. It's not something people generally shout about and unfortunately many people are quick to judge. 
Two weeks ago I went through an incredibly public break down during the final rehearsals for my dance show. I was going out of my mind and crumbling in front of around 150 different people. Some who I'd known for 23 years, others I'd only ever walked past 5 minutes previously. 
No one had a clue what was going on (including myself) and I think a lot of people were confused about how to treat the situation, especially since every time someone asked what was wrong I gave them a totally different answer.
I'm gutted I let something, that will inevitably seem so trivial, destroy what is usually one of the happiest weeks of the year. Something not only I, but everyone around me, had worked so hard for. I will always regret not being able to push on with the shows and unfortunately the memories will always be tainted with sadness.
It's been a two weeks since the show finished and it has been one of the toughest periods I can remember. I'm not sure dancing will ever feel the same again to me now, and that hurts more than anything.
Although I am still not myself, I am on the very long path to recovery. But this time I'm doing it properly. This past week has made me realise I can't rely on drugs to control me and alter my mood, the only thing that can control me IS ME. 
Getting help can be difficult. I certainly haven't sat back and popped pills exclusively for the last 5 years. Sometimes it feels like unless you are stood on a bridge ready to jump off then no one will take you seriously. What I think some people find difficult to realise is, we are all stood on a metaphorical bridge. I had no idea I was there. I thought I was perfectly happy with the way my life was. All it took was one little thing to knock me over the edge. I was on a mental ledge and I jumped off in to a pool of depression. No I am not physically harming myself, or plotting ways to end my life but I haven't left my bed in two weeks, I haven't eaten a full meal in even longer. That isn't living. 

I'm trying every day to find that slither of positive light lodged in among the dark clouds that follow me around. Yesterday I sat at the top of my stairs. It wasn't much, but it was a start. 

I'm no longer afraid of my depression. It is incredibly common in this day and age to have a mental illness and the more people speak up about it the more awareness people will gain.

Concoctions Shampyou

When I was first contacted about trying Concoctions hair products I have to admit I had never heard of them. However it didn't take long to realise that Concoctions are quickly becoming a well known name in the beauty business.

The independent brand was set up in 2010 with the aim to becoming a totally new type of beauty brand.
Concoctions allows you to create your own personal Shampoo blend, individually customised to your hair type and colour.You also choose your own fragrance to finish off your perfect shampoo.

The range consist of 4 fragranced base blends - Lemon Verbena, Bakhour, Rosemary & Mint or Black Pepper Citrus. All the base blends are enriched with essential oils, vitamin e and pro vitamin b5 as well as oligopeptides extracted from natural silk and an ionic system.

After choosing your base blend you then select two Superserums. There are eight to pick from including Back to your roots, beautiful brunette, curl me up and turn up the volume.
The Superserums are added to the base blend and shaken to create your custom "Shampyou" which is both silicone and paraben free.

I received the Citrus Pepper base blend which I was super skeptical about as the sound of a pepper scented hair product just did not appeal to me. However I was pleasantly surprised, it smells really fresh and clean. It isn't over the top citrus and I don't really get any peppery notes coming through.
To go with the base blend I got two Superserums "Back To Your Roots" and "Gimme More Moisture"
I found the blend really pleasant to use, I needed a lot less product than usual to create an abundance of super soft foam. I also got the Cashmere and White Lilly conditioner which smells like you have washed your hair in an expensive designer perfume. And even better, the scent hangs around for ages after.


Concoction have launched a crowd funding campaign to help spread the word about their products and services. Via the campaign they are offering people the chance to try Concoction products at a discount with the added bonus of your very own personalised bottle. The base blend plus two shots is normally £14 but you can grab these for just £10 plus free delivery up until May 9th 2014 from www.concoctionclub.com

Beauty Confessions

When it comes to beauty flaws and faults I have many . We all cut corners and pick up bad habits from time to time and I am definitely no exception. From cleaning my face to shaving my legs, here are my Beauty Confessions.

* - I hate cleaning my face. I love the feel of it being all clean and fresh but I really hate the effort of removing makeup, cleansing, toning and moisturising. I just want it gone so I can climb in to bed and get my beauty sleep.

* - I definitely don't clean my makeup brushes as often as I should. It is just another task that I will procrastinate my way out of.

* - I never finish products. If I start to come to the end of something I will put it to the back of the drawer and start using something else. I hate the thought of being without them so I just let them sit half used forever.

* - I am a spot picker. Enough said about that.

* - I peel my nail polish off. Very rarely do I use the tradition method of nail polish remover. There is something rather satisfying about peeling the polish off in one big sheet.

* - My dressing table is a disaster zone. I leave the makeup I have used that day on top of my dressing table so I can use it the following day, except then I use something different and do the same with that product, until eventually I can't fit anything else on. I then tidy it all up and start the process all over again.

* - I often only paint the nails on one hand. I will do my right hand then either get bored or tired and give up. Shamefully I will leave the one hand painted for quite a while.

* - I can't do winged eyeliner. I just can't.

* - I don't shave my legs unless someone other than my boyfriend is going to be seeing them.

Don't leave me feeling like a minger, tell me some of your Beauty Confessions below. Do we share any of the same ones?

Blogger Love Tag

My beautiful friend Fee from MakeupSavvy created a new blogger tag a few weeks ago and made me promise that I would do it over here. She need not of asked though because the tag is fab and I had a lot of fun filling it in. 

What was the first blog you ever came across? 

I first discovered Beauty Youtube videos which quickly led me on to blogs. There are two blogs I distinctly remember reading very early on, both of which are still going today.  A Little Obsessed and Amy Antoinette. 

Favourite beauty blog reads?

I rave about my favourite bloggers a lot on Twitter. So at the risk of sounding like a broken record - MakeupSavvy, Miss Budget Beauty, Laura Loves Beauty, Meet The Millards, Stephanie Dreams and probably a million more I have forgotten. 

Best blogging friend?

This is a total no brainer for me. It's Fee from MakeupSavvy again. When something good happens, I message Fee. When something bad happens, I message Fee. Whether I am laughing or crying I know I can message Fee and she will be there (when she isn't sleeping) to either laugh or cry with me. She is not only a great support but she is also unintentionally hilarious and spoils me rotten. 
Penny from Lillies and Love has been a total rock for me recently too.

Name a blog that enables your purchases?

Fee and Khila (Miss Budget Beauty) are devil on my shoulder when it comes to enabling. If they have it I want it. I also believe every word Gemsmaquillage says. If she thinks I need it, then I definitely need it. 

5 blogs everyone should be reading?

Just 5?

MissBudgetBeauty

StephanieDreams

ViviannaDoesMakeup

BigFashionista

CosmeticCrave

and an honorable mention for NouvelleDaily because I'm cheating and want 6.

Your favourite way to read blogs?
I nearly always click through from Twitter. 80% of the time I am on my Ipad. 

Bloggers that inspire you?
My biggest inspiration at the moment is BrightTownGirl. Her weight loss is INCREDIBLE and she looks utterly amazing. 

 Favourite blog design/look?
I love AwayWithTheFairies. It looks like it has just jumped off the shelves of a Cath Kidston shop. 
NouvelleDaily looks like it was created for a top fashion magazine. It is so modern and slick.
MissMakeupMagpie has the most awesome looking header. 

What is your favourite thing about blogging? 
I love the people who I have met, and continue to meet every day. I haven't just met bloggers, I've met friends. It is also a great excuse to buy just one more lipstick. 

Name a blogger you would most like to see write a book in the future?
I would love to see a Pixiwoo book and too be honest, I don't think I am barking too far up the wrong tree with that one. 

The Spoon Theory

For years people have been calling me lazy. I left school when I was 13 and was accused countless times of being lazy. Throughout my many jobs I was declared slow, and unmotivated. I couldn't explain to people that after less than an hour on my feet I was exhausted. 

The Spoon Theory was created by Christine Miserandino to help explain how her Lupus makes her feel day to day. However it rings true for many invisible illness sufferers and is a great way of not only explaining to others but also helping clear things up in your own head. It made me think about my day more carefully and prioritise certain things.

"My best friend and I were in the diner, talking.
 As I went to take some of my medicine with a snack as I usually did, she watched me with an awkward kind of stare, instead of continuing the conversation. She then asked me out of the blue what it felt like to have Lupus and be sick. She came to doctors with me, she saw me walk with a cane, and throw up in the bathroom. She had seen me cry in pain, what else was there to know?
She asked what it felt like, not physically, but what it felt like to be me, to be sick. 
At that moment, the spoon theory was born. I quickly grabbed every spoon on the table; hell I grabbed spoons off of the other tables. I looked at her in the eyes and said “Here you go, you have Lupus”. She looked at me slightly confused, as anyone would when they are being handed a bouquet of spoons. The cold metal spoons clanked in my hands, as I grouped them together and shoved them into her hands. 

I explained that the difference in being sick and being healthy is having to make choices or to consciously think about things when the rest of the world doesn't have to. The healthy have the luxury of a life without choices, a gift most people take for granted.

Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. I wanted something for her to actually hold, for me to then take away, since most people who get sick feel a “loss” of a life they once knew. If I was in control of taking away the spoons, then she would know what it feels like to have someone or something else, in this case Lupus, being in control.

I asked her to count her spoons. She asked why, and I explained that when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply of “spoons”. But when you have to now plan your day, you need to know exactly how many “spoons” you are starting with. It doesn't guarantee that you might not lose some along the way, but at least it helps to know where you are starting. She counted out 12 spoons. She laughed and said she wanted more. I said no, I’ve wanted more “spoons” for years and haven’t found a way yet to get more. I also told her to always be conscious of how many she had, and not to drop them because she can never forget she has Lupus.

I asked her to list off the tasks of her day, including the most simple. As, she rattled off daily chores, or just fun things to do; I explained how each one would cost her a spoon. When she jumped right into getting ready for work as her first task of the morning, I cut her off and took away a spoon. Showering cost her spoon, just for washing her hair and shaving her legs. Reaching high and low that early in the morning could actually cost more than one spoon, but I figured I would give her a break; Getting dressed was worth another spoon. I stopped her and broke down every task to show her how every little detail needs to be thought about."

This just a very small, broken down part of The Spoon Theory. To read the whole thing click here. Do you know anyone with an invisible illness? I know loads of you have them yourselves, Have you found it difficult explaining your illness? What do you think of the spoon theory?

2014 Handbag Wishlist

As a female, it is my prerogative to love handbags. Some people are shoe people, some people are clothes people, I am an everything person. Right now though, handbags are definitely tickling my pickle. I have quickly compiled a wish list of bags I want to add to my wardrobe.

Zara Office City or Mini Office City - £29.99
Zara bags are big business in the blogosphere. They are known for their sleek designer style with their affordable high street price tag. It wasn't until I spotted the Zara City bag on BeautyLoves that I realised just how beautiful these bags are. It took literally seconds before I knew I needed one of them in my life. Now the question is, which colour?


Modalu Pippa Grab Bag - £199  

The Pippa grab bag from Modalu London has been on my wish list for a couple of years now. I first saw it circling the internet, then it appeared in my local Fiorelli outlet store and let me assure you it is even more beautiful in real life. I think the Shark (pictured above) might be my favourite, but I wouldn't turn down the tan either.

Rebecca Minkoff M.A.C Clutch - $295

The Rebecca Minkoff Clutch is definitely the must have blogger bag at the moment, with bloggers like Khila from Miss Budget Beauty, Fleur from Fleur De Force and Elle from Dreaming In Blush getting it on the action. I adore the typical black and grey colours but the peach (pictured above) and the coral are such beautiful unique shades that they have really caught my eye. 

LuLu Guinness Quilted Lips Leather Annabelle - £325

I had never heard of this bag before until a recent trip to town. While wandering around House Of Fraser I could literally hear this bag calling to me from the other side of the shop. The closer I got, the more in love I fell. It has lips on it for goodness sake, what else could a lipstick blogger possibly want? I literally can't fault this bag, from its shining gold hardware to its buttery leather. It is just perfect.

What bags are you lusting after at the moment? Or have you got your dream bag? Have I made you add any to your list? Let me know. 

The Healthy Eating Plan - Step 1

The healthy eating plan.

I've never been good at eating properly. I have always been a mildly fussy eater. I'm also very contrary when it comes to food, something I eat every day for lunch one week will become my idea of food hell the week after. I'm sure my taste buds can't change that quickly so I'm not entirely sure of the cause for this other than boredom.

I'm not interested in food. I love to eat but have no interest in cooking or food preparation. Experimenting with different flavours isn't something I'm keen on and even if I was I wouldn't have any idea where to begin.

I look at the word diet and instantly see it as cutting out all the things I enjoy. Two weeks in and I'm hungry and depressed, counting the hours until I give up and have a chocolate binge.

Because of all these things I have decided to take a more methodical approach to healthy eating. It isn't about getting rid of all the food I enjoy eating but eating them in moderation. No one really needs to eat an entire box of chocolate fingers in one sitting do they?

Step 1 - Fruit 

Before the New Year I introduced bananas in to my diet. Fruit is an alien being in my diet. It isn't that I don't like fruit, but I just don't like it as much as a triple chocolate cookie. 

In an attempt to get more fruit in to my body I am planning on making smoothies. They are quick and easy to make and you can control exactly what goes in to them (no hidden extras or preservatives) I plan on experimenting with lots of different flavours and hopefully sharing my favourites on here.
If I have chocolates next to me I will mindlessly pick at them until I am scraping the bottom of the box within minutes. I have decided to replace my usual box of goodies with a tub of grapes which I can pick at for as long as I like without needing a calculator to add up the calories afterwards. 

Are you starting a healthy eating plan? What steps are you taking towards improving your diet? And what do you think my step 2 should be?